By Amity Buxton

It’s time to go back to the beginning, I think, to clarify why straight spouses need to be heard in the current conversations about social justice swirling around us. It is not because they are overlooked, which they are. Rather, straight spouses want desperately to share their wide lens on what happens to their families when their husbands or wives come out. Every family member — they, their gay or lesbian partners, and their children — is hurt by antigay sentiments and action, such as constitutional amendments and laws that limit legal marriage to that of a man and women.

Up to two million gay men and lesbians in the United States have followed the traditional idea that marriage is limited to a man and a woman and have entered a presumably heterosexual marriage usually without the straight spouse’s knowledge of their sexual orientation and often without the gay or lesbian spouse’s acknowledgment or realization. They marry because they truly love their fiancés and want to raise a family and also to meet societal expectations. Their faith communities, families, and society in general expect that marriage will occur in almost everyone’s life and that it would, of course, be with someone of the opposite gender. While many gay men and lesbians now do not feel a need to follow the traditional pattern, a number still do. So, don’t stop reading

Once they marry a straight person, most lesbians and gay men struggle to suppress or deny their same-sex attraction and become totally involved in the marriage and parenthood. However neither prayer nor practice changes their sexual orientation. For most, their internal struggle escalates, often reaching severe depression, until something happens to change the pattern. The children finish school and leave home, or they meet someone socially or at work, or the Internet invites them to explore and — poof! — their same-sex attractions are ignited or they unexpectedly fall in love. When they disclose (or are discovered), that they are really gay or lesbian, their straight wives or husbands are devastated, their children confused. Though some couples manage to stay married, because of their long history, love and close friendship, the good of the family, or the difficulty of separating, most divorce - and their children lose a two-parent home.

I lived that experience, watching my gay husband suffer without knowing why until he came out. As I then met and studied straight spouses across the country, I saw that they, like their gay and lesbian mates, were stigmatized, too, and so were their children. I saw, too, that their issues and those of their families were ignored and not understood, as they tried to protect their gay spouses and children from rejection in their churches or synagogues, jobs, schools or communities. That’s why I founded the Straight Spouse Network in 1991 to provide confidential personal support for straight men and women who faced this unforeseen family crisis for which they were not prepared.

Given these scenarios that repeat themselves across the country, the rationale for legalizing one man-one woman marriage as the only marriage form and a way to bring stability to the community is sabotaged by the reality of the family crises experienced by mixed-orientation couples. Neither spouse entering those marriages has high odds of fulfilling his or her hope of creating a lasting relationship and family. No children born to them can be sure their two parents will stay together.

Revealing the devastating impact on families of couples married under the one-man/one-woman societal imperative is the reason why straight spouses want their voices heard by proponents of laws designed to exclude gay and lesbian couples from marrying. Avoiding the perpetuation of this kind of harm to families is reason enough to pass laws that enable gay men and lesbians, no less than other adults, to marry any person to whom they wish to commit their lives and love, regardless of gender. Only then can the hopes of all spouses and families in the United States have the greatest possible chance of being fulfilled.

Mark Foley resurfaced in the news this week, after a two year absence.  He’s the congressman from Florida who resigned after a scandal involving sexually provocative emails and instant messages to congressional aids who were underage.  His appearance seems particularly ill timed, coming after an election in which Republicans were defeated soundly in an overwhelming demand for change.  Strategically, this is not a good time for poliitical conservatives to remind the public of bad memories. 

 Nevertheless, there was Foley, pleading for the public to understand that he is not a pedophile since pedophiles only molest children and the pages were teens.  Technically, that is true.  He is not a pedophile.  He is a pederast.  And he is not married.  He has escorted and socialized with attractive wealthy female supporters, attempting to create the public image of a ladies man, but it appears no women took him seriously beyond friendship.  There is no straight wife to slide down his muddy trail. 

Yet his story attracts interest among straight spouses for one reason - the continued and impassioned denial of what truly happened can seem familiar to some women who have been married to homosexual men leading a double life.  Yes, Foley admits sending the emails and messages - but he calls it a mistake, a momentary lapse of judgement.  In truth, the lapse was not momentary, it went on for over a year.  The young men involved were not children, but they were underage.  Sophisticated and willing perhaps, but underage.  Many straight wives who discover such activity in their marriages often find that their husbands belittle it, dismiss it as not being such a big deal, a little indiscretion.  When they insist in actually IS a big deal, some husbands display a contemptuous and belittling attitude.  It is as though they cannot accept the truth of the situation, and the mirror of reality that the wife holds must be shattered.  Or they evade responsibility while pretending to take responsibility.

No major corporation would tolerate the use of its electronic media to engage in sexual conversations between a senior executive and a subordinate.  The United States Government is certainly larger than most corporations, yet somehow Foley had the expectation that he could use electronic media to engage in sexual banter with interns who were not yet 18 years old.  Foley has lived his life as a poorly kept secret - and the lies he has had to tell himself become such a part of his makeup, that he is genuinely surprised when he must actually face what he was doing, and what he became.  In truth, Foley was molested as a teen by his parish priest - and as an adult was seeking intimacy and sexual fulfillment the only way he knew how - by being the adult who took advantage of young people on the sly.  Rather than being an openly gay healthy adult, his sex life appears to have been continually hidden among others who also had something to hide. 

It may be that Foley is a convenient target of liberal media because of his conservative political views.  What is also of note is that the mainstream media seems unwilling to buy into the pretzel logic of victimhood, and the dismissal of such transgressions as momentary and trivial.  With no wife to deflect some of the unwelcome negative attention, all the focus is on Foley - and the story is not a comfortable write off of the past, but a distinctly uneasy repudiation of any claim that Foley’s actions are just minor transgressions that are in any way understandable, normal, or justified.

For straight spouses, nothing has changed.

The fighting, the arguing, the strident self righteous proclamations about the definition of family continue.  The lawsuits, the publicity, the grandstanding continues.  The defense of marriage as a union between men and women only goes on and on - with no acknowledgement of what our marriages are or were, and no interest in finding out.  No interest in acknowledging our families and the dilemmas we face in reconciling the practice of our faith with our knowledge of this unique experience, no interest in affirming the directions in which our families can move forward, healing, building bridges with each other. 

The definition of family is now once again defended.  Apparently those of us who are or were in mixed orientation marriages, those of us who are children of mixed orientation marriages, are not part of “family”.  Those of us who are members of the large religious groups that funded opposition now have to wonder just whose family are we a part of, if not the family of the faiths that sustain us, that we practice sincerely, despite efforts to render us irrelevant and invisible.

Our children will still go to school and listen to the jokes and taunts of their peers about who is queer and who isn’t, and they will be afraid that their friends will find out about mom or dad.  They will be afraid to laugh or not to laugh.  They will keep a low profile, keep their feelings and their conflicts hidden.  Apparently this is not as worthy of defense as restricting marriage is.  We will continue to cope with our own issues of coming out of someone else’s closet - perhaps in silence, perhaps being criticized for “outing” the ex when we are honest, or for not “supporting” our spouse, perhaps in the isolation of self doubt.  Apparently this is not as worthy of outreach as defense of the status quo is. 

A very eloquent commentary was posted by Keith Olbermann of MSNBC’s Countdown program.  It is one of the few editorial pieces that comments on those of us in mixed orientation marriages and asks “How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the “sanctity” of marriage rather than render the term meaningless?”

 Nothing has changed.  Nothing.

Straight spouses are entitled to know if their husband or wife is being unfaithful to them with a same sex partner.  It also is helpful for them to know if a gay husband or lesbian wife is unsure of their sexuality.  Many straight spouses blame themselves for any sexual dysfunction in a marriage.  It can be a relief to know that no matter how fat, thin, bald, attentive, or attractive they are, no matter what kind of surgery they have had or physical changes, no matter how many babies, no matter how perfect or imperfect - the reason that the the spark isn’t there is because their husband or wife prefers to have sex with someone of their same gender. 

So how do you tell your husband or wife that you are gay, or at least not completely heterosexual?  How do you tell them that you aren’t sure but you think so?

Honestly.  And with kindness, compassion, and all the love you can.

This is not a conversation to have on Valentines Day, your wedding anniversary, someone’s birthday, a major holiday, or any day that gets commemorated annually or is a special celebration.  Choosing to have this conversation on those days, because that is when you have time to be together, will ruin the celebration or commemoration of those days for your spouse for years to come. It will always coincide with the anniversary of when they learned the painful truth.  But there are plenty of other days to have this conversation, and the sooner the better. 

Some GLBT people think it is kinder to disclose their sexual realization in small doses.  It really isn’t.  Your husband or wife deserves to know the real truth about who you really are.  This isn’t the time to list their many faults, or go over what they could have done differently to make the marriage better.  This is about you telling them who you really are.

If you’re not sure, say so.

If you are a man who has had an affair or is seeing someone, or you have had anonymous sex in a park or public restroom, please say so.  Even if you are being so careful so you just know that no one will get HIV from you.  Your wife is entitled to know.  Despite assurances of nothing to worry about because you were careful, a straight wife will likely get tested - for her own health, safety, and satisfaction about her own health and future. And she’ll probably be very angry that she is in a position of needing to be tested, particularly if she has been faithful to you. 

A straight husband or wife is entitled to know that you are GLBT because they are a person in their own right who needs to make decisions about how they will live their lives in the light of the truth about their marriage to you.  Some may tell you what they want to do right away, others may just be stunned and emotional, and totally blown away by the information.  But they need to know.  Honesty is the best, and healthiest, policy for you both.  And kindness, courtesy, sympathy, listening, and understanding go a long way.  Maybe not right away, but they do help to smooth later conflicts.

Coming out in a mixed orientation marriage is a bit different than coming out as an individual.  There is a partnership, a family, and obligations.  These don’t go away just because you realize that you are homosexual.  Your coming out is a family affair when you are married - and your spouse may not be as ready to come out as you are.  Your husband or wife may want to be more open about it, and not remain the keeper of someone else’s secret.  Regardless of the outcome, straight spouses deserve to know.  When you are honest, you can then work out through counseling what the ground rules are for you and the family being out of the closet, or remaining discreet depending on what is best for all of you. 

Remember, even if you are realizing your true sexuality later in life, you have had your whole life to figure this out about yourself.  Your spouse has had maybe only a few minutes, a few months, a few years.  It will take time to sort it all out, process the grief, anger, and for some the shame and self doubt, before they come to an acceptance and are ready to move forward.  For many people, it can take years to work through all of this.  There are no easy answers, no quick fixes. 

When you come out to your husband or wife, please tell them that there is support for them through the Straight Spouse Network.  Tell your therapist about our resources for counselors of mixed orientation couples.  And most important, tell the honest truth about yourself.

In the United States, today is Election Day.  If you have not done so already, please take the time today to vote. 

We won’t tell you how to vote.  That is for you to decide. But please, exercise your right to vote. 

Your vote is your own.  You don’t have to tell anyone how you voted if you don’t want to.  Or you can tell everyone how you voted and why.  You don’t have to explain your vote to anyone. Just vote.  It is your right. 

This election has been said to be the most important one of a lifetime.  We have clear choices, and an unprecedented turnout is expected.  Participate in what may be one of the most significant events of the early 21^st century.  Vote in the presidential election of 2008. 

If they give you an “I voted” sticker, wear it proudly.  If you have time and opportunity, stop by Starbucks and/or Krispy Kreme for some election day freebies.  Be proud.  Be American.  Be a voter.

As Election Day is upon us in the United States, close attention is being paid to efforts to outlaw gay marriage in three states.  The most contentious and well funded debate is in California, where the matter is to be voted on in Proposition 8.  The other two states, Arizona and Florida, have proposals on their ballots to amend state constitutions, clearly stating that marriage is only legal between men and women. 

Straight spouses come from many different walks of life, political visions, religions, nations and cultures.  As the preeminent source of support for heterosexual men and women who have discovered that their spouse is gay, the Straight Spouse Network opposes attempts to make gay marriage illegal through constitutional amendments.  These efforts require great funding, debate, pressure, and tend to polarize communities.  These efforts do nothing to serve or protect our families.  They do nothing to make our children safe from threats and taunts at school.  They do nothing to dedicate the tremendous resources of faith organizations toward recovery, support, and healing for straight spouses. 

Straight spouses of gay people are family too.  Our children are family too.  So defending families seems to ring hollow when ours are not included in the well funded efforts to strengthen families.  This is true not only of the right wing, but the left wing as well.  Depending on location, straight spouses often perceive themselves as being indirectly excluded from groups that support gay people and their families, largely by being ignored and unacknowledged. 

How is a straight spouse supposed to reconcile lifelong and unshakeable faith in a religious tradition, when the governing body of that religion is spending tons of money to pass or fail Prop 8, but spends no money, time, or attention on the crisis of faith for the straight spouse?  How does a straight spouse move forward within that faith community when no one will acknowledge their perspective, their reality, their solutions to family communications? Telling the straight spouse that gay rights will make the problem go away, or prayer will change their gay spouse, is not truly addressing the straight spouse’s complex and ongoing need for acknowledgement and tolerance of their process.

Not all mixed orientation marriages would be avoided with legalized gay marriage, but if the option of marrying were available to gay couples, it would be much more difficult to justify marrying someone of the opposite sex and carrying on deception.

The attention that is paid to straight spouses of closeted homosexuals is often scant, or only given in response to other problems surrounding the painful experience of discovering such deception. One of the problems that appears to be getting recognition currently is the prevalence of AIDS among African American women between the ages of 25 and 34.  AIDS is the number one killer of women in this group.  

One problem is that health care providers ask women if they have had sex with a man who has used IV drugs or who has had sex with other men.  Women can only answer this in the affirmative if they actually know what their partner or husband has been doing.  So, if a woman is married to a man who is leading a double life, her health is at risk because she is faithful and trusting.  Being faithful in a monogamous marriage is generally not considered risky behavior.  But if the woman’s husband and his family and friends are lying to her, she is at great risk.  Because women assume that their husband is being faithful, they don’t ask a husband to wear a condom when having marital relations.  Their husband’s deception can kill them. 

This problem has received special attention among African Americans, and has drawn some scrutiny for the lifestyle choice known as “the downlow” or “DL”.  Men on the DL have sex with other men, are married or in relationships with women, but do not consider themselves to be gay.  They usually hide the homosexual relationship from their wife or girlfriend, as do their friends and partners.  When asked if they are “in the closet” they often respond that gay men are closeted, but they’re not gay. 

The effect on wives of men on the downlow was recently discussed by Amity Buxton and the Straight Spouse Network’s Spouses of Color Coordinator, Sharon, in an interview with Dr. Nathaniel Wilson of the Atlanta Center for Family Wellness.   You can listen to this conversation here. 

Whether on the “downlow” or “in the closet”, the experience for heterosexual women is a common one - anger and pain at being deceived and rejected as a woman, and exposure to a deadly disease with little or no regard for their well being.   There’s no simple way to determine if a husband is having sex with men, and the experiences are diverse and complex. 

People who find that their husband or wife is having a same sex relationship often feel that they cannot talk to family, friends, clergy, or counselors about their marriage.  They often encounter judgement, or avoidance.  The Straight Spouse Network is here to help foster these discussions, promote constructive healing, and give support to families in these difficult and increasingly dangerous situations.

Lets be blunt - in times like these, everyone needs money.  After all, gas costs money. 

 Websites cost money.  Publications cost money.  Training and resources for leaders costs money. 

 The Straight Spouse Network needs money.  Continuing to be the pre-eminent resource of  support of heterosexual spouses of glbt people, building bridges with organizations that support us and our families, and providing ongoing information for professionals who work with us costs money.  Although many of our families enjoy a decent income, in a time of crisis most people are not thinking about where to donate their excess cash.  That goes double when a time of personal crisis coincides with an international financial crisis.

 But we’re creative problem solvers, and we’ve come up with a few solutions for you to support the one organization that saves your sanity when you discover that your husband or wife is gay.  

1.  
   1. We have an angel watching over us, who will match donations received until Thanksgiving.  If you were planning to donate this year, now would be a good time, because your dollars will double.  We believe in angels, and they believe in us!!!
   2. Suntrust Bank has a promotion until October 31, and it is a doozy! Open a checking account with them by October 31, and then make a purchase using that account’s debit card by February 2009, and they will donate $100 to the charity of your choice.  WOW!!!  When you fill out the redemption form, specify Straight Spouse Network.  But hurry!!! The account has to be opened by October 31 or the donation turns into a pumpkin!!!  Suntrust also has an ongoing donation program tied to points for using their check or credit card.
   3. Speaking of banks, do you work for Bank of America?  Because if you do, they have a fabulous matching donation opportunity.  Like many companies, they match employee donations to qualified 501(c)(3) organizations.  They also make donations to non profits where their employees volunteer.  If an employee volunteers 50 hours of charitable time within a calendar year, Bank of America Charitable Foundation will donate $250 to the organization.  Volunteer opportunities within the Straight Spouse Network include helping with mailings, facilitating a face to face group, speaking as part of a panel to represent the straight spouse’s point of view, working a table when we have an exhibit at professional conferences or gay pride, or any specific project of ours that you volunteer your assistance.
   4. Check your employer’s policy on matching gifts.  Many large firms will match donations to specific causes as well as allowing you to donate through United Way.  You don’t HAVE to tell your boss what is going on in your life - just fill out the form for matching donations. 
   5. Now you can list items on Ebay and designate a portion of the sale to benefit the Straight Spouse Network.  Just in time for Christmas shopping/selling!  So if you are clearing out your house, or if you regularly sell merchandise on Ebay, you can designate a portion of your sale to benefit us.  We can also receive donations on Ebay through Paypal, and to sell some of our own in kind donations.  Look to see SSN’s own store on Ebay soon!
   6. Speaking of Christmas, we will again have a Christmas Card sale - complete with our own postage stamp!  You will soon be able to purchase postage stamps with our logo on the web (not at your post office).  You can use these stamps for mailing year round.  It is a great way for family and friends to show their support of you as well. 

 So you see, donating to us is easy, smart, fun, and there’s a thrill when you support us with someone else’s money!!!

The recent decisions by the Connecticut Supreme Court and the California Supreme Court to recognize same sex marriage has ignited the social controversy about what a marriage is, and if it can be applied to same sex couples. At first glance it appears that despite popular opinion to the contrary, the courts have held that the criteria for marriage can be met by a same sex couple, and that restricting gay couples to civil unions only is a lack of equality under the law.  But a recent poll conducted by Connecticut’s Hartford Courant shows that 53 percent of respondents agree with the court decision.  This is obviously as contentious an issue in Connecticut as it is in California. 

 Much of the backlash against these decisions, including California’s Proposition 8 and the proposed amendment to the Connecticut constitution, are rooted in the idea that the traditional institution of marriage must be defended. With all of the challenges to the traditional institution of marriage, it is difficult to see how the legal marriage of two men or two women to one other threatens traditional heterosexual marriage.  No church or synagogue is being told that they HAVE to marry gay couples.  They can choose to not perform these weddings, just as they choose to not perform some heterosexual weddings for various reasons.  Some straight ex spouses of gay people often wonder if gay marriage had been permitted at the time of their own weddings, would their own marriage  have ever taken place? 

 The Straight Spouse Network supports gay marriage, and is not shy about saying so. Gay marriage will not prevent all gay, bisexual, lesbian, or down low people from marrying heterosexual people who believe they are entering a traditional heterosexual marriage.  But it will provide an acceptable alternative for those who are ready to honestly marry a person of their own sex, and will make it socially less acceptable for those who wish to hide behind the appearance of a heterosexual marriage. 

 We would much prefer that those who wish to defend marriage would begin to acknowledge the existence of the straight spouses among them, and open their ears, their hearts, and their minds to the various perspectives of all who have experienced the painful deception of struggling to fit the mold of a heterosexual marriage when they are really in a mixed orientation marriage.

The annual conference of the National Association of Catholic Diocesan Lesbian and Gay Ministry in Long Beach, California, was attended by a mixture of clergy, LGBT people and their parents, and one straight spouse, formerly married to a gay man - Dr. Amity Buxton.  More than 160 people were present at the plenary session to hear Coadjutor Bishop Jaime Soto of Sacramento give the opening address on the topic of love.  As was reported in the press, 5 people walked out when it became apparent that the Bishop’s talk was not about love in general, but about sex.  Specifically, he stated that gay and lesbian people must remain chaste and sexual activity between them is sinful. By the end of the address, the audience erupted in anger.  Within minutes, however, a board member rushed to the stage and invited the Bishop to stay and listen to personal stories of individuals in the gathering.  One by one, nine volunteers walked to the front of the hall, and took the microphone to tell  their “lived experience”  directly to the Bishop as he sat in the front row. 

 All this has been reported in print elsewhere.  What has not been reported is that the lone one straight spouse in the audience was one of the speakers.  Amity summarizes her response:

 ”I recounted my husband’s decision to marry as a good Irish Catholic because it was the right thing to do and would make him happy, even though he had a gay lover unbeknownst to me at the time.  I told of his gradual depression and physical ailments that developed over twenty-five years, our divorce and annulment, and his eventual death alone. At the end, I stated strongly that this painful experience was why I will not stop working toward making sure that no one else has to go through what he, I, and our children had to suffer.”

 Amity later participated in focus groups and three other plenary sessions, informing everyone in each session of the invaluable resource that the Straight Spouse Network provides for straight spouses, current or former of LGBT people and the importance of having this for our families.   It was a revelation to most attendees that straight spouses have a support organization, much less need support. 

 At the final bilingual concelebrated Mass, Amity was gratified to hear the priest who delivered the homily validate the importance of straight spouses.   He said that one new thing he had learned at this conference was the existence and unique perspective of straight spouses and of the work that Amity had been doing to provide support for them for over 20 years. 

 What stands out from this report is in the last statement - the priest had only then learned of the existence of straight spouses.  With all the attention focused on California’s Proposition 8, defining marriage as only between a man and a woman, many churches are unaware of the existence of straight spouses.  If they were aware of us, a portion of the focus, energy and money allotted for the defense of marriage might be allotted for resources to help straight spouses and our families deal with profound moral and spiritual dilemmas.  Resources such as counseling, spiritual healing, renewal, focus on keeping us connected to the communities of faith rather than shunning us, ignoring us until we leave, or responding to our questions and concerns with lectures on that particular denomination’s teachings about our partner’s homosexuality, rather than providing pastoral ministry that addresses our needs.

 Pastoral response to us and our families is a challenge for many clergy of all faiths and political affiliations, especially when our existence is not acknowledged.  The Straight Spouse Network (SSN) is a resource for clergy to learn of our needs and perspectives.  We encourage all communities of faith to plan for appropriate and ongoing pastoral response to straight spouses and their families.  SSN can help them do so.